Returning home to myself
Transformation is messy and uncomfortable, heartbreaking and enraging. It will also be beautiful and joyful, full of love and grace that has the power to expand hearts and minds. We can practice our way into the capacity to stay present and humble, even when things are hard. Embracing this work as a way of life rather than a linear process has helped me return to wholeness, reconnect with our full humanity, and build relationships grounded in love and compassion rather than fear and scarcity.
When I distill everything I have learned to practice down to the most essential elements, the entire process of transformation comes down to four simple, but not easy, steps. Notice. Pause. Reflect. Choose. What do I mean?
Notice - Identify the signals for when you are out of alignment with your values
Pause - Slow down to move from automatic reaction to mindful response
Reflect - Lead with curiosity to discern the source of misalignment
Choose - Build resilience by realigning your actions with your values.
Rinse and repeat. The beautiful thing about this process is it can be applied to any situation, big or small, intrapersonal or interpersonal, in real time or after the dust has settled.
I entered the work of co-liberation and transformation through antiracist movement building. It’s not like one day I woke up and said “I’m ready to be an antiracist,” shedding 35+ years of socialization into the powerful and dangerous realm of well-meaning, white-womanhood. Instead, it was a slow opening of my eyes with intentional effort to be generous with myself for not being able to see, feel, hear, understand, and embody the truth earlier. Although there wasn’t an on or off switch, there was a moment when the dimmer on the lightbulb in my body, heart, and mind finally reached full illumination. I finally woke up, determined to stop hiding behind my good intentions and admit that things in my life had to fundamentally change.
I noticed all of the signals that my head, heart, and belly were giving me that I was living out of my integrity - that my stated values and my actions weren’t quite matching up. That’s when I paused to listen and learn more. I spent a number of years reflecting on what I was hearing and allowing myself to hold the complexity of multiple truths and dissonance of meaning well but not always understanding the impact of my actions. Everyday I chose to allow my heart to open a little more, and a little more, and a little more until it was ready to cleave open. After that day, nothing has ever been the same. I chose to begin moving toward love with courage and vulnerability.
The road has been bumpy, and yet the profound personal awakening and transformative relationships I have developed along the way have helped me see that this is where love is calling me. Through my work I have come to understand how invaluable accountability partners are in this process. People who are willing to dive into the messiness, suspend judgment, and hold space for difficult conversations and trying on new ideas, words, actions. This means assuming good intent while also attending to impact, acknowledging when harm is done, and finding ways to mend relationships with integrity.
Liberation work is inherently messy. There is no way to be perfect, or even good at transformation. There is just grappling, messiness, and heart opening expansion. This work allows you to release the need to fit in, and instead, relish in the beauty of belonging. Being in right relationship with ourselves is the first step to being in right relationship with community. Relationships rooted in the shared value of equity and integrity allow us to all show up whole and broken, without judgment, because we know we’re in this work together, moving toward collective freedom. Let’s take this journey together!